* How are you feeling?  Feeling calm and ready when entering a possibly difficult conversation can be the difference between a positive discussion and a heated exchange. A calm demeanor can be contagious, as can a hostile attitude.

* Apples and oranges.  Be clear about the issue being discussed. For example, when discussing the environment, one person’s discussion stem from concern about dangerous chemicals while another may be in fear of losing their job because of pesticide regulations.

* Show you are listening by giving positive feedback and non-verbal cues such as eye contact, nodding and smiling.  

* Remain focused.  Not looking at the other person or starting to think about what to say next while another is talking will be obvious, and make the other person feel their point of view is not being taken seriously.

*  Clarify.  Sometimes it feels as though two people are talking past each other. Don’t be afraid to ask for clarification.  People may have different connotations for words and phrases.   During negotiations with Iran during the hostage crisis in the late 1970s, U.S. negotiators would use the word compromise when trying to find common ground. To the Iranians, compromise meant capitulation. Things did not go well; the hostages were held for 444 days.

* Think of the conversation as a process.  A single conversation generally is not going to change another’s mind.  Presenting emotions and facts in a friendly (or at least calm) and rational manner will make it easier for others to listen.  Who knows, each person may learn something new.  And, should there be another conversation, what was learned from the last just might serve as a friendly beginning.

*  Non-verbal clues say a lot.  Eye contact can be encouraging or intimidating. Signs that things are getting unpleasant, or even aggressive, include hands on hips, finger pointing or tapping, arm thrusts, chin tilts and raised shoulders, as do facial signals such as frowns, purse lips, sneers and squinting.  These behaviors signal that listening has taken a back seat to negative emotions, and if the conversation can’t be turned around it may be time to gracefully change the subject or end the conversation.

* Ground rules.  Sometimes a calm conversation can become a bit heated.  The louder the volume, the less we hear, and we can become defensive.  To avoid this, it can be helpful at the start of the conversation to agree to pause and/or change the subject should emotions run high.

*  Respect another’s feelings by listening without judgement.  Telling someone they shouldn’t feel angry, or cheated, or scared is not helpful.  Try and recognize the difference between challenging the meaning, or conclusion, of an issue and criticizing another’s feelings.

* Be realistic.  There are times when there is no way a conversation will be anything but ugly.  When this is the case, try to change the subject or walk away. Trying to press a point will have no effect and it’s not worth the aggravation and bother.